If there is a point more important than improving the employee by giving feedback, it is definitely receiving feedback. We all love receiving feedback as long as we get positive feedback. But there is one truth in our lives; negative feedback! Although it has unique value, being confronted with one’s failures does not generally lead to a position in which one is happy.
We should know if the work we do does not go as planned, that is, when the direction of our impact deviates from our purpose. The best and often only way to achieve this is through feedback. However, you will likely disagree with the feedback.
It doesn’t feel good to hear that you’re off track, and the feedback can be particularly jarring because it often reveals our blind spots in a job we thought we were doing well. Therefore, the validity of the feedback can be checked immediately or instinctive We do not believe as such. Because we ourselves often tend not to believe in things we cannot see.
tendency to become defensive
This is especially true for leaders who, due to their level and power, are not told the whole truth. It is not uncommon for leaders to immediately become defensive against criticism about their leadership qualities.
To better understand this issue and see one of my blind spots, I asked the person I work with the most to give me negative feedback. I took a deep breath and prepared myself. I wanted to go slowly and notice everything that was happening in my mind and body.
“You work too much,” he said. It was considered mild for a review.
But still, what happened?
I think this is a compliment, not a criticism. He was probably trying to tell me that I had an attitude that was unsustainable for myself and the company, but my defense was one of pride.
This thought was followed by: He’s not working hard enough! By devaluing him, I invalidated his feedback. My ego said that he was neither perceptive nor had high standards.
A new one came after him; I have to work so hard because all the work depends on me. I made all kinds of excuses to justify my attitudes. In other words, it was true that I worked hard, but it wasn’t my fault.
We understand that things are not going well
I had a strange feeling in my stomach that I couldn’t figure out. Perfect I could realize the vulnerability that not being there created in a person. It was a vague but definitely present feeling: a physical reaction, a feeling that something wasn’t right.
As an executive coach who helps successful people become great leaders and build more effective teams, I’m often in the position of giving feedback.
As I thought about my own reaction and the reactions I often receive from my clients, I began to list the common ways we defend ourselves against negative, feedback that threatens the way we see ourselves:
- Play the Victim: “Yes, that’s true, but it’s not my fault.”
- Attach a Proud Attitude: “Yes, that’s true, but it’s a good thing.”
- Underestimate: “It’s not that important.”
- Reject: “I’m not doing this!”
- How much: “I don’t need this job that much!”
- Blame: “The problem is you, those around me. “I work with bad people.”
- Argue Otherwise: “There are many examples of me not acting that way.”
- Go Attack: “I may have done this terrible thing, but you also did that terrible thing.”
- Rebuttal: “You really don’t know anything about this.”
- Translate: “That’s not the real problem.”
- Override: “I’ve asked others and no one has the same comment.”
- Hit the Joke: “I never knew I was this disgusting.”
- Exaggerate: “This is really bad, I’m a terrible person.”
If you find yourself saying or thinking any of these, you should see that your ego is preventing you from seeing the truth.
Our ego comes into play
Much has been written, some quite subtle, about how to evaluate feedback. But when our ego kicks in and we feel emotional baggage, it becomes difficult to see subtlety. What we need is a fairly simple, reliable and automatic answer:
“I appreciate the time and effort you took to tell me your opinion. Thank you.”
Isn’t that what you want to hear when you give someone a gift? Accept the gift (in this case, listen) and say thank you. It’s that simple. This answer will make those around you feel more confident giving you feedback. They will also be more likely to say it to your face rather than behind your back.
There is something magical about this simple answer, without a defensive tone; It increases your ability to receive feedback tremendously. If you stop your extrovert defense, you will also stop your introvert defense.
After my friend told me, “You work too hard,” I silently observed my defensive reactions and took my own advice; “I appreciate the time and effort you took to tell me your opinion. “Thank you,” I said.
The result? He thanked me for taking it so well, and I relieved the pressure on myself and those around me. Maybe that’s why this constructive criticism they say.
